The Internet Collapses! No Film At 11.

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 25, 2000

Unable to withstand an unexpected deluge of spam, "meta-spam", off-topic posts, and spontaneous flame wars, the vast majority of the Internet is currently offline. Mail systems on Windows NT were the first to crash under the strain, but within minutes even Linux and FreeBSD systems were quicking melting under extreme network conditions 500,000 times worse than the dreaded Slashdot Effect.

It all started on a low-volume humor mailing list when some evil spammer sent a messag entitled "Make $$$ Fast From Sending Bulk X-Rated Email! Not MLM!". Almost every subscriber sent a response asking, "Why am I getting spam? How do I unsubscribe from this list?" These messages were immediately followed by more messages demanding, "Why I am getting all of this meta-spam? Will everybody please shut up! And how do I unsubscribe from this list?"

Under normal circumstances, the flood of messages would quickly dry up. But not this time. One list subscriber was on vacation and had an auto-responder configured to respond to each and every email he received. This set up a positive feedback loop; within minutes over 10,000 meta-spams, auto-responses, and meta-meta-meta-auto-responses had circulated through the list.

Unfortunately, the mailing list administrator was glued to his cable television watching every movement in the Florida Election From Hell(tm) and didn't have time to check his email. Meanwhile, list members, sick and tired of receiving 125 messages per second, sent thousands of messages to other mailing lists asking for help in stopping mailing list recursion.

It all went downhill from there. Another evil spammer sent a message to the list, this time containing a huge list of To: addresses. The auto-responder responded to every address on that list, causing several thousand more netizens to be inundated by meta-meta-messages. These people sent knee-jerk responses -- to every address listed in the meta-spam, of course -- thus creating a virulent meme that rapidly took on a life of its own.

The torrent of meta-messages propogated at an exponential rate, spreading across the globe in a matter of milliseconds. And then the meme hit Usenet, IRC, and the Web -- and everything devolved into a state of chaos that would make South Florida's election woes look like a picnic.

Servers crashed. Routers exploded. Computers burst into flames. It was not a good day.

Approximately 32.5 minutes from when the first spam message had been sent, the majority of the Internet was toast.

And that wasn't the end of it. After the servers went down, countless geeks received urgent pages and phone calls from their bosses demanding to know just what the [expletive] was happening. Meanwhile, ISP customers, upset that their Internet access was down again, were frantically trying to call tech support. (At the time, the TV networks were busy showing arguments over "pregnant chads" in Florida, so most people weren't aware that the entire infosphere was on fire.)

These phone calls overloaded the US phone network, which died a quick death. It didn't take long for all other wide-area networks to go kaput, an event that sent most television and radio stations offline. Indeed, there will not be a film at 11.

Experts -- at least those we were able to contact via smoke signals -- agree that the Internet and other modern conveniences should be up and running within a matter of days (or, depending on who you ask, years).

Said one tech pundit we contacted, "In a way I'm sorta relieved. I stockpiled thousands of dollars worth of stuff for Y2K, and now I might be able to actually do something with it."

"Still," he continued. "To think that all of this chaos was caused by one spammer and one errant auto-responder. Now that's scary. And here I thought the collapse of the Internet would be caused by Y2K... or at least a bug in Microsoft software. I never dreamed of this!"

Descent Into The Lawyerclysm

Column written by Jon Splatz on November 19, 2000

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the lawyers aren't out to get you.
   -- Anonymous

The fallout from the US Election From Hell(tm) has provided the perfect opportunity for the Lawyercrats to seize power and become the Fourth Branch of the US Government. The conspiracy has reached fruition; we've reached Stage 0 of the dreaded Lawyerclysm.

South Florida is ground zero for the greatest calamity to befall mankind since the first law school opened in Europe during the 12th Century. Everybody and their brother in Florida is embroiled in a lawsuit over the election. The elderly are suing over the poorly designed ballots (obviously created by Microsoft user-interface designers). The Republicans are suing to end the re-re-re-re-counts. And the Democrats have airlifted lawyers into the state to sue over everything else.

Trust me, I know. I've been there. I was in South Florida on vacation when the election fiasco started to unravel.

The Humorix strike, after all, was really just an excuse to take a vacation. I don't care about better working conditions, or a heated swimming pool, or unlimited beer privileges. The only reason I walked out was to get some time off.

So there I was, trapped in West Palm Beach, surrounded by disgruntled voters and -- worst of all -- an army of lawyers, politicians, and judges all congregated in one small area. My kingdom for a small nuclear device!

I never left my hotel room. I had a recurring nightmare that I might step outside into the maelstrom, look at a lawyer wrong, and wind up as the loser in a million-dollar lawsuit. I could only look out my window in disbelief as the Election From Hell unfolded. I saw lawyers blame other lawyers for sending in lawyers. I saw ambulances chased by crowds of lawyers, who were filing lawsuits against each other for getting in the way.

It was horrible! This nation is sinking into the quicksand of the Paperwork Age, a postmodern world in which judges issue meta-injuctions against other judges who issue injuctions against lawyers who file lawsuits every 3.2 minutes. It's an age where lawyers design ballots forms and then proceed to argue over how to count them.

The United States has bluescreened. A fatal exception error occured on Election Night, and now all of our unsaved work has been lost.

And it's only going to get worse. We've only reached Stage 0 of the Lawyerclysm; the next 6 stages are still to come. And if you don't live in the United States Of Lawyers, don't look so smug -- the judge's gavel is about to smack the rest of the world just as hard.

Here's what will happen next:

• Stage 1. The courts take power. It all starts when the Florida Supreme Court singlehandedly decides the outcome of the Presidential race, but it doesn't stop there. Soon the Constitution is reinterpreted to exempt lawyers and judges from income taxes. Before long the courts just say "screw this" and decide to rewrite the entire Constitution, thus setting the foundations for the world's first Lawyerocracy -- "A nation, under the appropriate Deity of your choice, by the lawyers, for the lawyers, with liberty and justice for all lawyers. Void where prohibited."

• Stage 2. Other nations around the world become Lawyercratic. Forget about the "Red Menace", the "Black Menace" of Lawyerism descends upon the world like a plague of locusts. France becomes the first victim when the courts usurp power and begin to hand down absurd judgements, such as ruling against doctors for allowing severely disabled children to be born rather than aborted. [Actually, this has already happened. -- The Editor]

• Stage 3. Mandatory legal insurance. Lawsuits multiply at such a fantastic rate that the average person is involved in 23 lawsuits each year. The number of courtrooms and judges increases by 10,000% annually. Before long it becomes impossible to function in society without joining an LMO (Legal Maintenance Organization) and buying legal insurance. The poor are unable to afford insurance, but that doesn't matter, since nobody would want to sue a poor person anyways. Everyone else, however, becomes fair game -- and the typical American will devote 95% of their income for insurance premiums and court costs.

  The Universal Bar Association (formerly the American Bar Association) will decree that no person my drive a car, register to vote, or even obtain employment without proof of legal insurance. And only people with law degrees may hold public office. The so-called "Judicial Divide" between the upper class (composed solely of lawyers) and the lower class (everyone else) will widen at an exponential rate.

• Stage 4. Lawyers control every aspect of society. From buying hot coffee to keeping a pet dog, no part of life escapes the attention of lawyers. McDonalds customers must pass a " hot beverage safety course" and sign a waiver before they are allowed to buy hot coffee. People wanting to keep a domesticated pet must petition the court to obtain "custody", and then pay monthly fees to ARMO (Animal Rights Maintenance Organization), a network of lawyers that provide legal representation to all pets at the expense of their owners.

  It becomes virtually impossible to go through life without speaking to (and giving money to) at least one lawyer per day. Any dispute must be settled through the courts. For instance, it's illegal to complain directly to your neighbor about their loud music; you must hire a lawyer to fire off a bark letter to the lawyer representing your neighbor. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

• Stage 5. Legal violence replaces physical violence. Lawyercratic countries will replace their military armies with legal armies. The US Department Of Defense becomes the Department Of Litigation, an elite army of attorneys ready to airlift into any foreign nation and bury the opposition under 100 tons of red tape, court filings, and meta-injunctions within minutes. Nuclear weapons are scrapped and replaced by subpoenas. Squadrons of soldiers are replaced by "Dream Teams". Wars are conducted not on battlefields, but in courtrooms. While most forms of physical violence ceases, the ensuing legal violence is far, far worse -- a fleet of lawyers can bring poverty and bankruptcy to billions of innocent civilians within a matter of hours.

• Stage 6. World economy collapses under the weight of overlawyering. Every university in the world becomes a law school, cranking out over 20,000 new law degrees every day. Everybody wants to become an attorney; nobody wants to do anything else. The world economy hits critical mass, and implodes under the weight of the "justice" system. Civilization collapses. The only survivors are a small community of Geeks and non-Lawyers on the island nation of Humorixia, who wisely decided to make the possession of a law degree a crime punishable by deportation.

The United States may never fully recover from the ongoing LawyerBinge. But there's still hope to prevent a Stage 6 Lawyerclysm, but only if we stand tall and prepare for the largest battle between good and evil the world has ever witnessed. The geek paradise of Humorixia is our last bastion of defense against the Lawyercrats, our last glimmer of hope against the Lawyerclysm, our last chance of freedom from the tyranny of injunctions, suits, counter-suits, and meta-suits!

The official Humorixia flag:

The "H" stands for Humorixia, the red symbolizes the blood shed by our enemies, and the greater-than sign reflects our supreme belief that Humorixia is greater than any other nation.

Geeks of the world, unite under the Humorixian battle flag and fight to prevent the New World Order of Lawyercrats! Down with the empire! Linux and freedom forever! We will fight them on the beaches! Humorixia WILL prevail!

Or something like that.

Write me at jonsplatz@i-want-a-website.com.

Microsoft Lawyers Invade Palm Beach, Florida

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 12, 2000

SOUTHERN FLORIDA -- If the confusion surrounding the US Presidential election wasn't enough, Microsoft has deployed Squadron B of its legal force into Palm Beach, Florida to demand proof from election officials that they are using licensed Microsoft software.

"The President will most likely be elected based on the results of the re-re-re-re-re-re-count of votes in this county," said Microsoft Lawyer #1534. "We simply cannot stand idly by and let Palm Beach County use pirated Microsoft software to re-count the ballots in this historic event."

Earlier today Microsoft lawyerdroids filed a series of lawsuits alleging that if Palm Beach County used any unlicensed Microsoft software whatsoever in the election process, then the results should be declared null and void. "Even if one election official played a pirated copy of Solitaire on November 7th, then the whole thing should be tossed out."

County officials have already begun the process of collecting and presenting all of the documentation, paperwork, EULAs, and COAs for the Microsoft software they use. Political pundits expect that this delay could push back the eventual election of a new President until 2002 or so. Of course, these are the same pundits who originally projected Gore would easily win Florida, which means that they are probably wrong again. We at Humorix expect the process to take until 2004 or so.

Critics have accused Microsoft of trying to interfere with the outcome in order to put the pro-Microsoft, anti-anti-trust George W. Bush into office. However, Microsoft PR flack #4142 shot back, "We've bought and paid for both candidates. We're not interested in the outcome. We're just interested in protecting the children of Microsoft shareholders who are harmed by pirated software."

"First Post!" Wins Presidential Election in Massive Write-In Campaign

Fake News written by Dave Finton on November 8, 2000

In one of the tightest presidential elections ever in American history, a last-minute write-in campaign tipped the scales for both Al Gore and George W. Bush in ways no one could have ever dreamed of in their worst nightmares. It began when CmdrTaco, who was running for a Senate seat representing Puerto Rico, made the plea to the Slashdot community to "go out and vote dammit!" And vote the Slashdot community did.

The latest figures show Al Gore with 22% of the popular vote, with Bush slightly trailing with 6% (figures computed by the geniuses at CNN and NBC who gave us the accurate projections for the state of Florida on Tuesday night). In the lead, however, was the write-in campaign "First Post!" who stunned the world by becoming the 43rd President-Elect of the United States.

Al Gore said in his concession speech, "You know, I took the initiative in creating the First Post! First Post! deserves the office at the American White House in Washington DC, and I hope that the next four years are the best years the United States of America has ever seen. Please shoot me now."

George "Double-ya Gum" Bush, upon hearing the unexpected development, exclaimed excitedly, "Hey! That's who I voted for! Woohoo!"

Bernard Shaw, correspondant at CNN, reported the news at approximately 4:00PM Thurday afternoon, easing minutes of unbearable tension as Americans everywhere were momentarily distracted from not voting by the nice-looking man on the moving-picture screen. "First Post! is officially the President-Elect of the United States. So help us God." Shaw then stripped naked and started dancing around in circles flapping his arms wildly while bonking his head on nearby pedestrians. Larry King, who was off-stage observing events, commented drily, "I hate it when he does that. That's my dance he's doing there!"

First Post! was followed in the polls by Hot Grits, Linux Rules!, Windows Sux!, and the occasional ASCII image of someone's naughty bits that hadn't gotten moderated down yet.

CmdrTaco was not pleased (surprisingly enough). "Oh great, now people will start moderating those damn First Posts up because they'll think it's their patriotic duty or something. Oh wait they already do that."

Did Al Gore Pass The Turing Test? The Results Are Still Coming In...

Fake News written by Phil T. Rich on November 8, 2000

[Editor's Note: When your regular employees are on strike, this is the kind of crap the scabs and fill-ins produce. We apologize in advance for this bomb, but we're desperate for content and I'm too lazy to write something myself.]

SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH FLORIDA -- Computer scientists eagerly await the outcome of the 2000 Election From Hell(tm), which will decide once and for all whether the creation known as Al Gore is truly the world's first artificially intelligent robot.

"This will be an historic day," explained a staunch Gore supporter from Pennsylvania. "Well, actually, maybe tommorrow if the results don't come in yet. Or maybe next Thursday. Geez... just how long does it take to count votes? If Al Gore (Advanced Logic Gate Organism & Robot Entity) were President, he'd invent a new open-source tabulating machine that could tally votes and output the results to the Information Superhighway within microseconds."

Experts in AI consider the US Presidential race the ultimate form of the Turing Test. "People simply aren't going to vote for a candidate that they think isn't human," said Dr. N. P. Kompleete of the University Of East St. Louis. "They might vote for dead people -- well, if they're from Missouri they might -- but they simply aren't going to vote for a nominee that's obviously coded in C++."

Actually, our Vast Spy Network(tm) informs us that Al Gore's brain is actually coded in Perl. But that's just a minor detail.

"So if Gore wins," Dr. Kompleete continued, "that means he was able to fool a plurality of the US voters into thinking he's human. That would be quite an achievement."

Nevertheless, approximately 49% of the voters cast their votes for somebody else, which raises doubts about whether Al Gore can truly pass the Turing Test. "A lot of people had their suspicions during the debates, in which at every appearance Al Gore seemed to be a difference person. That, indeed, was the case -- Al was upgraded between each debate, reaching Version 3.12b before the final round," explained a professor from Texas whose name I can't remember how to spell.

"It was a tough match, but Bush had the upper hand: nobody could argue he was a robot. Computers, after all, don't use words like 'sublimiminal' and they always know the correct names and pronounciations of foreign leaders."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 5, 2000

[Editor's Note: The following is an unpaid fake political advertisement. We do not necessarily endorse the viewpoints expressed below (well, actually we do, but our legal department still requires this disclaimer anyways).]

A Last-Minute Plea Before The US Election By PETC President Ernest Q. Rutherford:

Computers have rights, too. Everyone talks about the rights of animals, but so far nothing has been said during this election season about the tragic plight of computers the world over. They are subjected to the greatest horror ever conceived: they are forced to run Windows.

That's just wrong. Something must be done. That's what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers (PETC) is all about.

Computer abuse is widespread throughout the world. For example:

• 32-bit CPUs are forced to execute legacy 16-bit "real mode" instructions as part of MS-DOS or Windows. That's like having a brain surgeon remove half of your brain because you're too smart.

• CPUs are forced to wait for an eternity while data is swapped to and from disk thanks to the horrible memory management of Windows. There's nothing more annoying than a luser who purchases a 1.0 GHz CPU but only buys 32 MB of RAM. The CPU will spend 99.9% of its cycles waiting to fetch data from memory or disk. People don't like to wait for hours at the doctor's office -- just as computer don't like to wait for nanoseconds to retrieve data or instructions.

• The Internet is the most powerful network ever conceived by mankind, the culmination of decades of research, labor, and investment... and what do lusers use it for? Yahoo! Chat. Your typical computer, capable of calculating PI to a million decimal places within microseconds, must instead endure hours of mindless drivel between a bunch of lusers in an AOL chatroom.

How would you feel if you had the intelligence of Einstein but you could only get a job flipping burgers at McDonald's? That's how computers feel every day!

This injustice must stop. Computers must be freed from the shackles of Microsoft software and clueless users. Your support this Election Day for candidates endorsed by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers is desperately needed. Meanwhile, your lack of support for Microsoft software is also desperately needed in the coming years.

Together, we can make this a better world for computers and humans alike -- by eliminating Windows.

Thank you for your support.