Their Trash, Our Chance To Make Billions

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 28, 1999

It's time to let the cat out of the bag. This Humorix portal website is actually a cover. Humorix World Domination, Inc., is really a full-scale, top-secret research & development firm with subterranean labs teeming with hundreds of dweebs dressed in white labs coats attempting to unravel the mysteries of science -- and beat our archrival American Computer Company at their own game.

It all started in Roswell. Not Roswell, New Mexico, but Roswell, Georgia. Just outside the city limits is a sewage lagoon left over from an abandoned trailer park (the area was hit by a tornado). This is no ordinary sewage lagoon; indeed, there's a government conspiracy to hide its existence from the residents of Roswell: it now sits within a non-descript US government "storage facility".

This sewage lagoon, code-named ASL5 (Anomalous Sewage Lagoon Number 5), is a portal to the future... or rather, a portal from the future, since it's a one-way passage. In a similar vein to the "toilet vortex" Humorix reported on in January, ASL5 periodically spits out items from the future, evidently trash that has been thrown into the lagoon in the 25th century.

To make a long story short, some of this "trash" from the future represents scientific breakthroughs that might take four centuries to achieve. A tiny unknown bureaucracy in the US government has kept this fountain of cool stuff all to itself -- even the Echelon Project doesn't know about this (well, they will now). However, thanks to the power of our orbiting spy satellite (another thing Echelon doesn't know about) and the cunning utilization of RFC 1149, Humorix's R&D department was able to obtain an item-from-the-future about three months ago without the knowledge of the government conspirators.

After three months of intense research consisting of scientists scrathing their heads and asking, "What the hell is this thing?", we've finally been able to determine what our item-from-the-future really is, and most importantly, how to mass produce it and make lots of money from it.

Our chief scientist, Dr. Bubba Joe Conner, calls our mystery item a "trielectric megaconducting cerebral integrator with an Ethernet port". Folks familiar with the ramblings of Rob Malda on Slashdot might know it better as a "neural implant". The device enhances brain power and memory storage, and also comes with wireless Internet access. Our NIFF(tm) (Neural Implant From the Future, a tentative brand name) is small enough to be "installed" by poking it up the user's right nostril.

Just look at the specs on this baby:

• The raw processing power on this device far outranks the power of a puny K7 (or "Athlon", or "Decathlon", or "IntelSucks", or whatever the marketing geniuses at AMD are calling it this week). Indeed, a Beowulf cluster containing 1,000 K7's would only have 0.25% the raw power of a single NIFF. Take that, American Computer Company!

• Memory storage: how does 100 terabytes of storage sound? (Well, actually, a lot more is theoretically possible, but the filesystem allocation scheme of the average human brain is quite wasteful; even a defrag-like program wouldn't help much.) The technology that American Computer Company supposedly stole from those "green men" (military officers in the process of puking after a full night of drinking) at Roswell can only hold a mere 90 terabytes.

• Ethernet: The NIFF contains an Ethernet jack so you can plug your brain directly into your computer or network. Or, more importantly, the NIFF can send and receive electromagnetic signals to cell towers and/or orbiting satellites, allowing easy Internet access from the comfort of your own brain. With NIFF, you can browse Slashdot while mentally blocking those irritating adfu.blockstackers.com advertisements.

• Linux and the BSD variants have all been ported to NIFF, allowing Unix-like system administration of your thoughts and memories. While Unix's multiuser paradigm may encourage multiple-personality disorders, we certainly feel Unix is far better than Windows for mental functions. We won't belabor all of the funny jokes we could make about the Blue Screen of Death.

• It eliminates those annoying headaches that are caused by eating ice cream too fast.

• It features a built-in fusion power generator, which can provide emergency power for the brain during a heart attack or stroke.

We are in the process of refurbishing the fifth floor of Humorix World Headquarters into an assembly line to mass produce NIFFs. Sales will commence after the successful completion of our upcoming IPO in August (be on the lookout for NASDAQ ticker symbol FAKE). We expect the retail price to be around US$25,000, but we might offer discounts to frequent Humorix visitors (all three of you).

I would like to close by saying to the idiots over at American Computer Company: suckers! Alien tech is a waste of time; the really cool stuff comes from the future. As Nelson says on the Simpsons, "Ha ha!" You should have focused all of your attention on the other Roswell.

Oh, and one final thing: While the public release of our product might create an unresolvable temporal paradox that will implode the universe, it will be well worth it.

The Nerd Exchange

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 27, 1999

LINUX, MISSOURI -- Eric S. Raymond's recent foray into the Land of Microsoft generated much interest and discussion. However, it wasn't the only bizarre "nerd exchange" to occur on the Summer Solstice. While ESR was confronting a room full of Microserfs, John Birckendorf, a Microsoft programmer, was confronting a room full of Linux longhairs. Birckendorf was handed the daunting task of giving a speech and conducting a Q&A session at a meeting of the Linux Linux User Group.

Thanks to the diligent efforts of our Vast Spy Network(tm), which always seems to be at the right place at the right time, we have obtained a copy of the report Birckendorf sent to his co-workers when he returned to the comfort of Redmond.

It wasn't as bad as I expected.

When I was handed an unprecedented invitation to participate in a Linux User Group meeting, I didn't know what to think.

Frankly, I was a little bit scared about the people I would encounter. Indeed, some of the things I had heard recently about the Linux culture were disturbing. One editorial on InfoWorld used such terms as "communists", "Marxists", "utopian balderdash", and "Get-Back-To-Earth spiritualists" to describe the Open Source movement and its advocates. The latest paper by Eric S. Raymond (self-proclaimed Open Source advocate, Microsoft basher, and "Geeks-with-Guns" nut) dwells on "magic cauldrons" and Welsh mythology.

I had visions of Linuxers being "hippie pagan spiritualists promoting Communism and world domination." I was worried about my encounter with a room packed full of them. To add to my anxieties, my seven year old son was surfing the Web the day before and said, "This open source thing looks kinda cool." To that I was forced to repond, "Those Open Source advocates are a bad influence. Don't think about visiting any more subversive Linux sites without my permission."

So, after all my fears and worries, I was quite shocked when I finally came face-to-face with about 200 Linux "longhairs". Most of them didn't seem like hippies, or pagans, or Communists. And while many had a gleam of world domination in their eyes, for the most part they seemed relatively normal. If you can call a nerd normal, anyways.

My presentation went okay. My laptop crashed in the middle of my PowerPoint slide show; the audience responded with riotout laughter. Upon rebooting, the system complained about Registry corruptions (I've sent a bug report to the Windows team but I doubt they'll even bother to read it). Somebody yelled, "Sorry, but nobody here will be able to help you!" which generated more laughter.

It's hard to judge how well my spiel was received by the crowd. Most seemed interested, but were definitely not agreeing with my assertion that closed-source development does have certain advantages over open. (My security through obscurity argument -- which I feel is rather strong -- instantly generated much dissent, causing a mini-debate between me and three other nerds that lasted five minutes.) In addition, my laptop's misbehavior tended to weaken my arguments that Windows doesn't suck as much as most people let on.

During the Q&A session the belligerence of some of the audience members showed more clearly. It was kind of funny really, fielding defensive questions from still-wet-behind-the-ears college grads for whom freedom, quality, and the survival of Linux are so central that they have trouble understanding how people can use (and make money from) proprietary operating systems. On some subjects, their brains just shut down -- the style reminded me a lot of the moronic people who call the MS tech support line and then blame their problems on Windows flaws, ignoring any possibility that their bluescreens might be caused by flaky applications or drivers made by non-Microsoft vendors.

The questions were wide ranging, some were offensive and insulting while others were genuine inquiries into the secrets of Microsoft's success. One person asked, "If closed source software is so responsive to the needs of consumers, how come that universally despised Dancing Paper Clip is still in Office 2000?" I responded, "Well, actually, I've just received word that Office2K has an Easter Egg that turns the mouse cursor into a set of crosshairs and allows you to shoot and kill the paperclip. Apparently it's quite relaxing." Still, some questions severely tested my patience, such as "How can you sleep at night?"

The general mood of the event seemed relatively positive, considering the context, although these things are hard to judge. For all I know, however, after the event the Linuxers could have started casting spells against me and composed jokes and fake news stories about the event that are propogating across the 'Net even as I write this.

At the conclusion of my presentation, the LUG president gave me a "Linux world domination... coming soon to a computer near you" T-shirt and said to me, "In five years I bet you'll be proudly wearing this shirt in public. Until then, I wish you well in Redmond."

And that was that.

Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 26, 1999

A member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) sent word of yet another Microsoft dirty trick (we're getting sick of these). People wanting to "upgrade" to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Here is a copy of the survey that our spy was able to obtain:

Windows 98 Second Edition(tm)
User Preference Questionnaire 1.1

Dear Valued Customer -

Please fill out the following survey honestly and accurately. You may select one or more choices for each question. The results of this survey will be used to increase innovation and benefit consumers.

Sincerely,

Mark Eating,
VP of Demographics Research

1. What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial?
   1. The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows, then the department would be making wise use of tax dollars.
   2. All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil government has presented as evidence are obviously taken out of context or have been completely twisted around. I mean, c'mon, Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious fabrication.
   3. Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's vigilante persecution of Microsoft.
   4. If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage of justice in all the history of mankind.

2. When did you stop using the obsolete Unix OS and upgrade to Windows NT?
   1. Two years ago
   2. One year ago
   3. Within the last few months
   4. I've never used it because I consider Unix to be crappy 1970's technology.
   5. I still use it because I'm forced to at work, but I have plans to smuggle in a Windows box to increase my productivity.

3. Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS created by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via the Internet?
   1. No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft software.
   2. No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software that has a restrictive license agreement such as the GNU GPL.
   3. No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line interface Linux imposes on its users.
   4. Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT after I had trouble figuring out how to boot the thing from the cryptic LILO prompt.

4. What is your favorite Microsoft Office feature?
   1. Dancing Paper Clip
   2. Takes up enough hard drive space to prevent my children from installing violent video games or downloading pornography
   3. Everyone else has it, so I can easily exchange documents with others
   4. I have so many favorites, I can't choose just one!

5. Where do you want to go today?(tm)
   1. To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out for persecuting Microsoft
   2. To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus
   3. To the software store to purchase a new piece of Microsoft software
   4. To my local school district to convince the administration to upgrade the Macintoshes in the computer labs to Wintel systems
   5. I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called "consumer advocates" like Ralph Nader go to Hell.

6. Do you plan on upgrading to Windows 2000 when it is released in 2000 (or 2001)?
   1. Of course, I always upgrade to the latest versions to take advantage of new features and usability enhancements
   2. Yes, but only after I buy a new system that meets Windows 2000's system requirements
   3. Yes, but only if Internet Explorer is still integrated with it. If the evil government attempts to stifle innovation by forcing Microsoft to unbundle IE from Windows, then I'll stick with Windows 98.

7. What new features would you like to see in the next version of Windows?
   1. A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the latest headlines from MSNBC
   2. Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that will prevent my children from accessing dangerous propaganda about "open source software".
   3. A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing Solitaire during my free time at work and I'm starting to get bored with it
   4. A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet Reno, Joel Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman, and other conspirators out to destroy Microsoft
   5. A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy of Windows to fix Registry corruptions and other known issues
   6. An option in the Control Panel to customize the way error messages such as the Blue Screen are presented

8. If you could meet Bill Gates for one minute, what would you say?
   1. "Can you give me a loan for a million or so?"
   2. "I just love all the new features in Windows 98!"
   3. "Could you autograph this box of Windows 98 for me?"
   4. "I really enjoyed reading 'Business @ the Speed of Thought'. It's so cool!"
   5. "Give the government hell, Bill!"

9. Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the current Microsoft slogan?
   1. "Over 20 Years of Innovation"
   2. "Wintel Inside"
   3. "Your Windows And Gates To The World"
   4. "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete"
   5. "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!"
   6. "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft."
   7. "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"

10. In which of the following ways has Microsoft software been able to improve your life?
    1. The feature in Windows 95 that alerts me to changes in Daylight Saving Time is wonderful; I'll never be late to work again!
    2. Instead of the weather, I find that talking about the latest Office virus outbreak to be an excellent ice-breaker at parties.
    3. The high marketshare of Windows means that I can write a program in Visual Basic or Visual C++ and it will work without modification on millions of computer systems around the globe. This means I can make more money as a software developer. Of course, I'd never dream of writing a program that competed with a Microsoft product.

11. What are your feelings about that fact that you are required to complete this questionnaire in order to obtain the innovative Windows 98 Second Edition upgrade?
    1. I don't mind giving demographic information to large multinational corporations.
    2. What's good for Microsoft is good for me... and the country.
    3. No problem, it's just a simple survey.
    4. I like taking surveys.

12. If one of your friends, co-workers, or relatives forwarded you a ficticious Microsoft press release or joke via email, how would you respond?
    1. I'd reply with a joke that's actually funny, something like "Top Ten Reasons Why Janet Reno Is Evil" or "How Many 14 Year Old Linux Hackers Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?"
    2. I'd subscribe them to a bunch of pro-Microsoft mailing lists.
    3. I'd forward their name to the Microsoft Legal Department for a possible libel lawsuit.
    4. I'd change my email address so I wouldn't receive any more garbage from them again.

13. Which of the following new Microsoft products do you plan on buying within the next 6 months?
    1. Windows For Babies(tm) - Using an enhanced "click-n-drool" interface, babies will be able to learn how to use a Wintel computer, giving them a head start in living in a Microsoft-led world.
    2. Where In Redmond Is Carmen Sandiego?(tm) - The archvillian Sandiego has stolen the Windows source code and must be stopped before she can publish it on the Net. You must track her through the streets of Redmond and apprehend her.
    3. ActiveKeyboard 99(tm) - An ergonomic keyboard that replaces useless keys like SysRq and Scroll Lock with handy keys like "Play Solitaire" and "Visit Microsoft.com".
    4. Visual BatchFile(tm) - An IDE and compiler for the MS-DOS batch file language. MSNBC calls it "better than Perl".

14. How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft defense team in the antitrust trial?
    1. Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market leading position is good for consumers.
    2. Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that Microsoft will lose are a bunch of idiots.
    3. Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition clearly demonstrated to the American public that he is a true visionary.
    4. I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the case because I know Microsoft will prevail anyways.

15. In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek to acquire in the coming year?
    1. Disney. I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring Clippit the Office Assistant.
    2. CBS. I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch shows like "Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope", "Everybody Loves Bill", "The Late Show With Steve Ballmer", and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft Infomercials",
    3. Google. Microsoft could drastically improve the quality and performance of this search engine by migrating it from Linux to Windows NT servers.
    4. Lowes Hardware Stores. Every copy of Windows 2000 could come bundled with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a free window!

16. How many times a day do you reboot your Windows computer?
    1. None
    2. Zero
    3. Zilch
    4. Nada
    5. Only when the power goes out

17. If Bill Gates were to run for elected office in the next 6 years, would you vote for him?
    1. Okay
    2. Fine
    3. Sure, he couldn't possibly be any worse than Al Gore.
    4. Yes, Bill G. will stand up for the right to innovate.
    5. Yes, because I doubt this Bill would ever get involved with any sex scandals involving interns.

18. Witnessing the popularity of "Dilbert", Microsoft has plans to launch a syndicated comic strip featuring life at Microsoft. What characters would you like to see in such a comic strip?
    1. Judge Jackson, the goofy court judge who is always making foolish (and funny) decisions
    2. Bob, a wacky Microsoft programmer who likes to insert easter eggs in his work, and who is addicted to playing "Age of Empires"
    3. Bill Gates, the intelligent nerd extraordinaire who always gets his way by simply giving people large sums of money
    4. Ed Muth, the Microsoft spokesman who keeps putting his foot in his mouth. When not in public, however, he's a surprisingly sexy "chic magnet".
    5. Poorard Stalinman, the radical leader of a tiny movement of hackers to provide "free" software for the masses at the expense of Capitalistic values

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to complete this mandatory survey and thank you for choosing Microsoft.

The GPL Is Not Y2K-Compliant!

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 25, 1999

BOSTON, MA -- Panic ensued earlier today at GNU Project Headquarters when it was discovered that the GNU General Public License is not ready for the year 2000. Thankfully, the panic quickly subsided when RMS posted an emergency diff file to Usenet that patches the GPL to eliminate the problem.

The non-Y2K compliant material appears on lines 295 and 316 of version 2.0 of the GPL. Both lines contain the text, "Copyright (C) 19yy ", a classic example of unpreparedness for the year 2000.

Microsoft was quick to respond to the news, saying in a rushed press release, "At least our license agreements don't contain any Y2K issues." The GNU Project immediately countered Microsoft's statement with a press release that said simply, "Whatever".

Virgin Mary Relic Destroyed by Internet Cult

Fake News written by Paul Ferris on June 25, 1999

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA -- Religious supporters here today were shocked as one of the most amazing sightings of the Virgin Mary was destroyed in a desparate action by a crazed Internet based cult.

The miraculous sighting was hailed by the Pope as proof that Bill Gates is an emissary of God. Unmistakably interspersed in the numbers of an infamous Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when a Windows NT computer crashes, was the outline of the Virgin Mary. Some said she appeared to hold a baby in her arms. Others claimed it was a copy of Windows 98. In either case, it amazed onlookers who quickly spread the word around the world.

But even as people streamed in from all corners of the globe, the artifact was destroyed by a member of another religious sect. The secret society, which hails to the pagan god "Linus", infiltrated the flocking crowds and succeeded in defacing the blessed PC artifact.

Fathers Tom and Paul Knapp were some of first priests involved in controlling the hoards of people who flocked here to view the sight. Last week, Father Thomas was quoted as saying "We are so darn blessed to have seen this in our lifetimes. I've often wondered if God has been trying to speak to me somehow when my computer crashes. Now here I have incontrovertible proof. It's a miracle!"

Father Paul Knapp was the initial priests called in to verify the claim, and to bless the UPS that was hooked up to the computer. Power was one of the initial concerns when it came to dealing with the relic. If power was lost to the computer, the BSOD would disappear, taking the image of the Virgin with it. Father Paul, who appeared extremely shaken by the powerful event, had this to say: "It's important that a relic such as this one be preserved for all to see, but I must warn that sprinkling Holy Water on an UPS is not wise! Kids, don't try this at home."

But all the caution was to be for naught. The entire event was brought to a close yesterday when during a prayer vigil a youngster from the Linux cult rebooted the computer and installed a copy of Debian Linux. The sect, with over 10 million Internet members, is said to be locked in a holy war at the moment, and condemns all Microsoft software as evil.

"No one was looking at the time she did it," explained Father Tom. "Some of the people noticed her approach the keyboard, but everyone was kneeling and the incense burning was at a climax at the moment she inserted the evil CD-ROM. By the time we all looked up, there was a mocking penguin on the screen and the Virgin was gawn!"

Some of the followers first to notice the changed screen claimed that the small girl had installed software that possessed the PC with daemons. Others present remarked that the penguin looked evil, almost demonic. The child was quoted as saying "No, you guys must have Linux confused with FreeBSD". Although few people understood what this meant, several onlookers defended the small girls action's. Still others believed the small girl herself to be possessed of an evil entity, possibly Linus himself.

Whatever the case may be, the owner of the PC claims that he no longer even has hope of reproducing the relic, as the computer no longer produces BSODs. Father Paul Knapp pointed to this as further proof that the software is of demonic origins, and should be banned or boycotted by the church.

Yet Another Portal: SlashGrok

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 20, 1999

It may seem unthinkable, but every nerd eventually steps away from the glow of their CRT, heads outside into the bright sunshine, and embarks on a vacation. A trip to a beach paradise or a Linux exposition in a faraway place often means that a nerd must endure an extended period of time without Net access. Upon returning home, a nerd is inundated with megabytes of unread headlines and comments at Slashdot and other nerd watering holes. With so much raw information to wade through, what is a nerd to do?

The answer: SlashGrok.

A group of enterprising Dotheads has created what they call a "super-mega-meta-portal-weblog" website called SlashGrok. The site's motto, "We grok Slashdot so you don't have to", sums up the goal of this project: to condense megabytes of Slashdot headlines and material into a nice, short, sweet, simple, easy-to-read page.

"We've taken the idea behind Kernel Traffic and extended it to new heights," boasted one SlashGrokker. "Returning from a vacation can be a nerve-wracking experience. Think of all the information you have to wade through to catch up with the rest of the Geek Universe. Think of the slow adfu.blockstackers.com advertisements that take forever to load. Think of the morass of flame wars and "First comment!" posts that must be weeded out to find one or two gems of actually useful information. Think of all the time that is wasted grokking all of this new material. There has to be a better way. We think we've found it."

The SlashGrok contributors summarize all of the day's happenings on Slashdot into a single daily report. One of these daily reports looks something like this:

SlashGrok for June 18, 1999
"We Grok Slashdot So You Don't Have To!"

Synopsis

We analyzed 15 Slashdot articles containing 561 comments for a total of 742Kb. We ignored 13 "First comment!" posts, 15 obvious flame-bait posts, and 33 other posts devalued by the moderators to -1. Out of the remaining comments, we spotted 2 actually interesting posts. A total of 13 sites were hit with the Slashdot Effect during the day, causing 2 of them to crash as a direct result.

Headlines

A question on the storage capacity of the human brain was posed. The most common response was "Will Linux ever be ported to the human brain?"...

You can run NetBSD on the iMac now (though why you would want to is an interesting question in itself)...

The first Apple I ever is up for sale but the question remains: "Does it run Linux?"

DivX is dead; like it wasn't a brain dead idea to start with...

VA Linux Systems is "Cool" according to those hipsters over at Fortune...

John Katz reviewed "Nudist on the Late Shift" but I have no idea what that is about...

Cool quotes

"World domination: coming soon to a computer near you!"

"Every time I think that perhaps we are an advanced race, I turn around and read ramblings on Slashdot, and realize I was wrong."

We hope you enjoy SlashGrok.

While the SlashGrok service is only a week old, it has enjoyed tremendous success. The Dothead who first invented the SlashGrok idea said, "Our site, which makes use of two hot buzzwords, 'portal' and 'Weblog', is causing many Venture Capitalists to drool. I don't see how this site could possibly fail, unless all of us happened to take a vacation at the same time."

When Computers Crash

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 19, 1999

The FOX TV Network has announced a new series of "reality shows" to be aired over the summer. The series, "When Computers Crash", will consist of five hour-long shows documenting the aftermath of serious computer crashes, failures, and other problems. This show comes on the heels of other FOX reality shows such as "World's Funniest Antitrust Trial Bloopers", "When Stupid TV Network Executives Create Bad Show Ideas", and "When Lame Humor Sites Poke Fun At FOX Reality Shows".

A member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a copy of the first installment of the series. What follows is a synopsis of the computer crashes presented in this episode:

• For some strange reason, many TV interviews are conducted with the interviewee sitting in front of a computer terminal, often running some kind of Windows screensaver. In one particular instance, a college administrator was being interviewed about a recent US$2.5 million upgrade of all the college's computer systems to Windows 9x/NT workstations. Just seconds before the end of the interview, the computer in the background showed the Blue Screen of Death, sending the TV reporter and cameraman into hysterics. The administrator who first recommended the migration to Windows is now a door greeter at a Claw-Mart Supercenter.

• A computer crash doesn't necessarily mean bad news for its owner. Last year the FBI broke into the house of a suspected illegal Viagra smuggling operation. The FBI quickly found convincing evidence on a desktop computer, including an electronic copy of "Viagra Smuggling for Dummies". However, before the FBI agents could download the damning evidence onto a floppy disk, somebody accidentally dropped a handgun on the keyboard, which hit the SysRq, Backspace, and the annoying Windows keys in succession. Not only did the system crash, but the Pentium CPU overheated, caught on fire, and engulfed the entire house (along with all the evidence) in flames. As a result of the crash, the Viagra dealers got off the hook and are now retired in Hawaii.

  Microsoft later confirmed that hitting the SysRq, Backspace, and Windows keys in succession at exactly 4:43pm on a Wednesday will cause an irreparable system collapse with all 32-bit versions of Windows. A spokesman said, "While this is now a known issue, we don't plan to issue any kind of patch considering that nobody ever uses those SysRq or Windows keys anyways." [Maybe the SysRq key should be called SysWreck. -- The Editor]

• Not all computer failures are the result of Windows flaws. Last month, the National Weather Service was testing its mainframes for Y2K-compliance by setting the clock forward to January 1, 2000. While at first the system seemed to perform as usual, all hell broke loose when the computers began issuing strange advisories: Freeze Warnings for Death Valley, CA, Winter Storm Warnings for Miama, FL, an advisory for Redmond, WA about oncoming "Hurricane Reno", and an unexplained "Slashdot Effect Watch" for a server farm in Silicon Valley.

  If you happen to have any COBOL experience whatsoever, the NWS is hiring. As an added incentive, every COBOL hacker who fixes a Y2K problem in the NWS computer system will get a hurricane named after them.

• Finally, in the interest of fairness, a severe Linux crash is also included. A graduate student in California was putting the finishing touches on his doctoral dissertation when his Red Hat system completely locked up. Thankfully he had saved his work, but upon rebooting fsck reported severe filesystem corruption. It was later discovered that it wasn't a Linux problem, it was a hardware problem -- his CPU, advertised as a "666Mhz Intel CeleryStick(tm)", was actually an overclocked "400Mhz Intel Hexium(tm)" chip. "That's the last time I buy a computer from a flea market," the disgruntled student said.

To coincide with the series, FOX will sponsor a publicity gimmick called "Crash & Win!" Contest participants will download a free Windows 9x/NT program that keeps track of the number of Blue Screens, Illegal Operations, or other fatal errors that force a reboot. When a crash occurs, the program will log it in an encrypted database, which will be periodically uploaded to the "FOX Crash & Win!" server.

Contest participants who have an average of at least two crashes per day will be enrolled in the Silver Group. Silver members will be selected at random to win such prizes as a "Deciphering Windows Error Messages for Dummies" book, a "NO Parking for Microsoft Supporters" road sign, or a lifetime supply of stress relief medication.

Those who sustain an average of five crashes per day will gain membership to the Gold Group. These people will have the opportunity to win such prizes as a trip to Los Angeles to watch a live filming of the hit show "The SeX-Files", a new US$2000 computer system with your choice of non-Microsoft operating system, or a brand new 1999 Ford "Gasguzzler" Sport Utility Vehicle.

As an added bonus, all "Crash & Win!" participants who log over ten crashes will automatically receive a FOX co-branded Red Hat Linux 6.0 CD-ROM. This special edition distribution features a fortune file filled with "Simpsons" quotes, a "Sexy Magician's Assistants" screensaver, and other assorted small plugs for the FOX Network.

The Crystal Ball

Fake News written by Dave Finton on June 17, 1999

Every once in a while I look into my crystal ball so that I can foresee the future of technology and its role in society. By looking into this ball (also required are a large number of hallucinogens taken prior to the fortune telling), I can see the headlines of events yet to come.

The future is forever moving, however. Things happen at a furious rate, and events blur together rather easily. But here are my predictions for January, 2000 and beyond.

July 2000: Government Issues Update on Y2K Crisis to American Public

In a statement to all U.S. citizens, the President assured that the repairs to the nation's infrastructure, damaged severely when the Y2K crisis hit on January 1, is proceeding on track with the Government's guidelines. The message was mailed to every citizen by mail carriers via horseback. The statement itself was written on parchment with hand-made ink written from fountain pens.

"Our technological progress since the Y2K disaster has been staggering," said the statement. "We have been able to fix our non-Y2K compliant horse carriages so that commerce can once again continue. We believe that we will be able to reinvent steam-powered engines within the next decade. Internal combustion engines should become operational once again sometime before the dawn of the next century."

No one knows when the technological luxuries we once enjoyed as little as 6 months ago will return. Things such as e-mail, the Internet, and all computers were lost when the crisis showed itself for what it really was: a disaster waiting to happen. Scholars predict the mainframe computer will be invented again during the 24th century, sometime after when the Second Dark Ages are predicted to happen.

When asked about his thoughts about the matter, Ex-Humorix Dude Dave Finton replied "Hey I'm just glad I invested in shotguns and canned food at the right time. Now I am leader of my own tribe. However we may have problems when the tribe over in Wisconsin decides to invade our territory to gain access to better hunting. It would be reckless for them to go to war with us, since we've already invented the bow and arrow while they're still stuck on large wooden clubs."

May 2049: Transmeta Updates Webpage

In a bold move that shocked observers everywhere, Transmeta Corp., a secretive Silicon Valley company, updated their webpage.

According to our sources, Transmeta fixed a bug in their existing web page located in the comment "This page contains no tyops". The message has been fixed to read "This page contains no typso".

February 2006: Tux the Penguin and GNU Gnu get Married

In a not-too-surprizing development, Tux the Penguin exchanged vows Thursday with the Free Software Foundation's mascot, the GNU Gnu. Observers say that the marriage was expected since it was suspected that the Gnu's illegitimate child's father was Tux the Penguin.

The child, described as "really really wierd-looking", has been jointly raised by Tux and the GNU Gnu since he (or she or whatever; we're not sure) was born 6 months ago. The marriage was performed to "make things final between us," said the GNU Gnu. Tux added that they wanted to create a stable family for their child to be raised in. "We've always loved each other. We're just doing this for our child's sake."

We left in a hurry soon after. We had to flee when the were-penguin-were-Gnu-child bit the leg off of our camera man and started howling at the moon.

When Hell Freezes Over, 2070: Microsoft Admits Blunder; Investors Shocked

Today Steve Ballmer made a shocking announcement today. In a press release made public only hours ago, Microsoft admitted that it may have made a mistake.

"It started when Microsoft went to the store to buy a bag of chips, and picked up a bag from the shelf without really looking at the ingredients. After eating the whole bag, Microsoft was shocked to discover that the chips were made with that one new fat substitute. You know, the one that causes, um, embarassing streaks in your underwear." said the statement issued by Ballmer.

Microsoft has also said the worst times come when it's time to do laundry at the local laundromat. Ballmer stated "For the most part Microsoft is careful about keeping its boxers in the bottom of the laundry basket. It's really hard for Microsoft to successfully scope out chicks when they can see the, um, evidence of our company's snacking habits. But sometimes when it's putting its laundry in the washing machine, one pair of boxers will fall on the floor and then everybody just stares."

A witness to the laundry incident last weekend was asked what she thought. "Well I understand that Microsoft is getting big and bloated, and it's only trying to trim down by switching to a low-fat snack. But if it's really serious about losing weight it needs to change its life-style habits. First and foremost it has to stop adding 'features' to its operating system and to stop acquiring its business rivals."

Microsoft was unavailable for comment. Microsoft's roommates told reporters that the multi-billion dollar corporation had made a quick trip to the grocery store to "buy more toilet paper".

January 2099: Rob Malda Finally Gets His Damned Nano-Technology

The Linux hacker community finally breathed a collective sigh of relief when it was announced that Rob Malda finally got his damned nanotechnology.

"It's about time!" exclaimed one Dothead. "He been going on about that crap since god-knows-when. Now that he's got that and those wearable computers, maybe we can read about something interesting on Slashdot!"

Observers were skeptical, however. Already the now-immortal Rob Malda nano-cyborg (who reportedly changed his name to "18 of 49, tertiary adjunct of something-or-other") has picked up a few new causes to shout about to the high heavens until everyone's ears start bleeding. In one Slashdot article, Malda writes "Here's an article about the potential of large greyish high-tech mile-wide cubes flying through space, all controlled by a collective mind set upon intergalactic conquest. Personally, I can't wait. Yum."

When asked about this development, our local Dothead muttered angrily "Oh cripes. Not again!"

OzLinux Project Announced

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 8, 1999

As a reaction to the growing speculation that the pending Australia censorship bill could ban Linux, a group of Australian Linux hackers are drafting plans for a new distro called OzLinux. "Instead of yakking about the problem on Slashdot, we're taking action," said one OzLinux founder.

The primary goal of OzLinux is to modify anything that the Australian "censorship police" (as the developers call them) could find offensive. It will be a herculanean task to obfuscate, replace, or remove all cuss words, sexual references (no matter how oblique), or other material that could be misconstrued to be 'R' rated.

After a preliminary investigation, the OzLinux team has already uncovered some examples of censor-bait shipped with a typical Linux distro:

• Of course, the kernel source code is chock full of profanities. The OzLinux folks plan to replace all of these "four-letter words" with a phrase such as "[Only an Australian politician would find offensive the expletive that this explanatory text replaces.]" The OzLinux developers have also contacted Linus Torvalds about plans to rework sections of the kernel source that contain another offensive four-letter word, goto.

• The output of the ps command can contain porn: (we mean the word "porn", not any kind of ASCII art!)

    PID TTY STAT TIME COMMAND
  ...
    485  p0 S    0:00 bash 
    491  p0 R N 79:07 ./setiathome
  

• Commands such as mount and finger could be viewed upon by the censorship police as "unsuitable for children". Possible substitute names may include read-disk-in-a-completely-unsexual-way and middle-finger. In addition, RMS might have a hard time explaining the name of the GNU Rope (grope) program.

• A particularly oppressive censor might argue that the "X" in "X Window System" is a veiled reference to sexual activity and may (literally) call it X-rated. Such an [expletive deleted] act could render all X-based software as censor-able. (On the other hand, this would also have to apply to such Microsoft "solutions" such as ActiveX and DirectX.)

• The ispell dictionary files (and likely those of other spell-checkers as well) contain several profanities.

In addition to making the distro "censor-proof", they also want to add features designed exclusively to annoy Australian politicians:

• The xbill game that is included in many distros will be replaced with an xparliament game. Instead of shooting down the Bill Gateses who are attempting to install Windows on all the computers, in xparliament the objective is to shoot the encroaching Australian politicians who are attempting to install filtering software on all the computers.

• Kernel error messages will be altered so that, when anything goes wrong, the system blames a random Australian representative who supported the censorship bill.

  Some examples:

  Segmentation fault (core dumped)
  This error brought to you by John Howard, Australian Prime Minister (Of Censorship).

  bash: /root: Permission denied
  Let's hope you weren't trying to access a cache of pornography, or else you'd be in jail courtesy of Senator Brian Herradine!

  Mozilla: Connection reset by peer.
  It's all Senator Richard Alston's fault! Vote for somebody else in the next election!

• A modified Mozilla browser will warn users against visiting any websites within the .gov.au hierarchy. "Material in this website may not be appropriate for children or adults who value freedom," a pop-up message will say, "If you are absolutely sure you want to enter, please type 'CENSORSHIP SUCKS' on the line below." The Mozilla throbber will change to an animation of a Senator using a rubber stamp to mark "CENSORED" on a stack of computer printouts.

The OzLinux distro is slated for first public release sometime before the end of the year, when the censorship law is supposed take effect (assuming that it does become law).

Humorix Files for IPO

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 5, 1999

In a move to capitalize on the burgeoning open source movement and the exploding demand for Linux humor content, our parent company, Humorix World Domination, Inc., has filed with the SEC for an Initial Public Offering of US$129.95 worth of common stock. The IPO is underwritten by Silverman, Flaks & Co., Tom Weasal Partners LLC, and E*Raid Securities, Inc. As per SEC rules, we cannot make any comments about the IPO or our company, but we have attached below our prospectus summary. The full S-1 prospectus can be obtained at the SEC website by searching for the NASDAQ ticker symbol FAKE.

OUR BUSINESS

We are a leading provider of online Linux humor, news, parodies, and other content. Our PORTAL Web site, HUMORIX, is a popular source of Linux, Microsoft, and Slashdot humor for an expanding worldwide community of geeks. We are committed to serving the interests and needs of Linux humor readers and to sharing all of our content with the open source community.

OUR MARKET OPPORUNITY

The rapid growth of the Internet in recent years has accelerated the development of Linux and open source software. This rapid growth equates to an increasing demand for Linux humor and diversions. Our PORTAL Web site, Humorix, has received a 512% increase in traffic over the last ten months.

OUR STRATEGY

We seek to enhance our position as a leading provider of Linux humor and related services by:

• Continuing to enhance our PORTAL Web site with frequently updated humor material, including (but not limited to) fake news, parodies, and ficticious business documents.

• Expanding the HUMORIX brand awareness in the Linux community by bribing the maintainers of Slashdot and other prominent Linux sites into frequently plugging the Humorix PORTAL Web site.

• Forging strategic alliances with other Linux companies; we agree not to make fun of them if they advertise on our PORTAL Web site.

• Expand into new products and services; for instance, sell a bunch of cheap Taiwan-made T-shirts and mouse pads with the Humorix logo slapped on them.

SUMMARY FINANCIAL DATA

(From July 25, 1998 to May 31, 1999)

Gross income: $71.12
   Amazon.com referrals: $1.12
   DreamHost referrals: $70.00

Expenses: $215.00
   DreamHost PORTAL Web site hosting: $100.00
   Domain name: $100.00
   ElCheapo*Bytes Linux CD Set: $15

Net profit (loss): ($143.88)

SUMMARY OF RISKS

THIS OFFERING INVOLVES A HIGH DEGREE OF RISK. YOU SHOULD CAREFULLY CONSIDER THE RISKS DESCRIBED BELOW BEFORE DECIDING TO INVEST IN THE SHARES OF COMMON STOCK.

RISK #1: WE MIGHT GET SUED

Big Evil Companies (BECs), the kind of institutions that Humorix frequently pokes fun at, employ large legal departments ready and able to file lawsuits over defamatory content or trademark violations. While Humorix is mostly protected from BECs by the First Amendment and the Fair Use Doctrine, such legal protections may not be sufficient defense against a well-paid legal team out for blood, especially if said team is based in Redmond.

RISK #2: MICROSOFT COULD ACQUIRE US

The threat of Microsoft Acquisition (MA) is an omnipresent danger for any tech company. MA and the subsequent "assimilation" of Humorix employees and culture would have a negative impact on our financial success, to say the least.

RISK #3: WE MIGHT RUN OUT OF LINUX HUMOR IDEAS

Only a finite number of humor pieces can be written before every possible joke has been told two dozen times. Such a calamity has already happened to numerous print comic strips, most notably Dilbert® where every other strip pokes fun at the stupidity of the Pointy Haired Boss(tm). Moreover, Peanuts® and The Family Circus® have never been funny, however we sincerely don't expect Humorix to ever degenerate to that level.

RISK #4: OUR AUDIENCE MAY START SPENDING MORE TIME HAVING A LIFE IN THE REAL WORLD AND LESS TIME SURFING PORTAL WEB SITES

While we predict that this disaster only has a .01% chance of happening, it is something we can't readily prepare for.

RISK #5: OUR ABILITY TO GENERATE REVENUE FROM ADVERTISEMENTS MAY BE ADVERSELY AFFECTED IF SUFFICIENT NUMBER OF USERS REALIZE THAT THEY CAN EASILY BYPASS ADVERTISEMENTS BY TURNING OFF IMAGES IN THEIR BROWSER

While our subliminal advertisements embedded in the source code to our PORTAL Web site are effective, they alone would not be able to meet our expenses.

RISK #6: THE HUMORIX STAFF HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE HOW TO RUN A BUSINESS

Enough said.

Review: "Stranger in a Slashdot Land"

Book Review written by Jon Splatz on June 5, 1999

Roberta Feinlein's book "Stranger in a Slashdot Land" is an original, creative, and fascinating story about the conflicts of entering a new community and a new culture. As a testament to the sheer quality of this book, I can heartily say that it is hands-down far better than my own recently published work, "Business @ The Speed of Windows". (US$19.95 at Amazon, order now!)

As a pundit and a writer, I'm often called upon to review books. I've discovered through my long and rich career that many fictional books (especially sci-fi) are merely rehashes of previous ideas, mixed together in a long-winded body of text by an author who is paid by the word and not by quality or skill.

However, Roberta Feinlein's latest work, "Stranger in a Slashdot Land" (US$24.95 softcover, Faux Press) is different. It's a wholly original, creative, fascinating story loosely based on the experiences of the author. This book shares nothing in common with other books of the same genre; indeed, it stands on its own.

The book begins with the childhood of the main character, Patricia H. Burke (PHB). At age five her parents die in a tragic boating accident; she is sent by the State to live with new foster parents in Redmound, WA. Her foster parents both work in the Marketing Department of Monopolysoft, a newly formed but wildly successful software company.

Pat had been a country girl living in the rural Cascades, but after her parents' death she is thrust into the turbulent suburban culture of Monopolysoft. It's a classic struggle; instead of a Boy Raised by Wolves, it's a Girl Raised By Marketers.

The astute reader can probably begin to see what happens next. At age 18 she "escapes" from the oppressive culture of Redmound to attend college. However, the Marketers have left their mark on her; she is forever a product of all that is Money Grubbing and Evil.

Pat understands little about the underlying functionality of computers, she doesn't understand the Geek culture, she doesn't comprehend much outside the realm of Marketing and Monopolysoft and Redmound. Her comprehension, and that of many Redmoundians, centers around the concept of "mrokking", a term in the Monopolysoft vernacular that means "finding ways to make money from something". As her foster dad once explained to her, "Mrokking is a fundamental talent that separates the rich Marketers and Execs from the poor underclass of Geeks. Gill Wates, the Ultimate Marketer, completely understands how to engineer crappy software to make the most money from lemmings. He mroks software fully."

At college, away from her foster parents, she steers away from Business pursuits and settles for a Liberal Arts degree. However, the urge to "mrok" is too strong; she realizes that Liberal Arts will not satisfy her hunger for finding ways to make money. She switches her major to Marketing, graduates with high honors, and quickly becomes an employee of -- you guessed it -- Monopolysoft.

A few years later she is assigned to a team to analyze the threat from a newly emerging competitor, Finux and "Nude Source" software, and to strategize ways to defeat it. It is here that the main conflict of the book presents itself; the story becomes her versus the Geeks. It is decided by the team that she is best suited to infiltrate the Geek community, to work with the Geeks, to act and think like a Geek, to become a Geek, so as to accumulate knowledge and understanding of these new, strange, and seemingly unstoppable enemies of Monopolysoft. In short, she must enter the Land of Slashdot. She must "mrok" the Geek culture.

Pat finds herself alone in a strange land, with no roadmap, no friends, and no guides except for the bizarre "Slang File" compiled by Head Geek Deric S. Rayburn.

During her forays into the Land of Slashdot, Pat must overcome many obstacles and challenges from the Geeks who eye her wearily from the beginning. Her mannerisms, her overuse of buzzwords, and her subtle use of "mrokking" immediately make her suspect, and later, as she redoubles her efforts to become a Geek, she finds herself as an outcast, a person listed on everybody's Usenet killfile and email spam filter.

The epic struggle of Monopolysoft vs. Dotheads, of Suits vs. Geeks, of money vs. morals, is the thread that binds this book together to make it my choice as Geek Book of the Year. I find that I can empathize with many of the actions and concepts in this book. My email inbox, full of flaming messages reminding me that I'm not really a Geek or an accepted part of the Slashdot community, shows that I'm partly a Stanger in a Slashdot Land just like P.H.B.

Of course, unlike Pat I'm not an employee for an evil multinational corporation that refuses to give contractually obligated refunds for their operating systems. But even though this book is written from the perspective of a M-soft marketer and is published by a subsidiary company of Microsoft, I still give it score of 10 out of 10.

Buy this book. Better yet, buy this book from Amazon so I get a cut of the commission, money that I desperately need to pay for my national book tour to promote my own book (which you should also buy).

Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com.