New Image Format: GNU/GNU

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 30, 1999

BOSTON, MA -- "Choosy hackers don't choose .GIF." That's the slogan behind Richard M. Stallman's new campaign to replace freedom-subtracted .GIF files with a new patent-free "GNU/GNU" image format. The GNU/GNU format (GNU's Not Unisys) neatly solves the patent problem while introducing a vastly improved graphics format.

Unlike other formats containing a binary stream of data, GNU/GNU is a human-readable XML file. This design was chosen by the GNU Project after some preliminary research revealed that 98.3% of all images on the Web fit into one of these categories:

• Pornography (by a wide margin)
• Animated advertising banners
• "Under Construction!", "Email Me!" or other useless icons hosted on free webpage providers such as GeoCities
• "Powered by Linux" buttons (RMS is quick to point out that these should say "Powered by GNU/Linux")
• "Best Experienced with Internet Explorer" warning images
• Bill Gatus of Borg pictures

Using the GNU/GNU format, a porn image, for example, might contain such tags as "chestsize", "skincolor", "pose", and "facialexpression". Web browsers will render this image on the fly, eliminating the need to download a huge bitmap that takes two minutes to fetch. If this format becomes widely accepted, total Internet bandwidth usage may fall as much as 59% according to one analyst.

To show off the new format, RMS posted to Usenet earlier today a GNU/GNU file (named patents-suck.gnu.gnu) that contains the text "no gifs due to patent problems" in a 45 point sans serif font along with an image of the GNU gnu mascot. The size of the file? Only 231 bytes! (That doesn't count the 10KB copy of the GNU GPL that was embedded in the file's header).

GNU/GNU support should be available for The GIMP and Mozilla within the next month. The upper management of Unisys Corp. was unavailable for comment at press time.

Top Ten Features Linux Will Need To Compete With W2K

Column written by Paul Ferris on August 30, 1999

Top 10 lists have been popular lately. Nick Petreley has his top 10 list of excuses needed for implementing W2K. Then, this OS Opinion contributor put in his $.02 on why Linux would be a desktop success.

I've decided that a more technical analysis of the subject is in order. Neither of you jokers (and I use the term correctly here for all of us) has addressed the features that Linux will need to catch up to the Redmondites new operating system offerings. We Linuxites get accused of just playing catch-up and only copying features all the time, so I figure we'd best get a list together, so we can Innovate(tm) with the big boys.

Since some of these new "features" are likely to be viewed in a negative light, I've included the marketing plans for implementing them, where possible.

I hope RedHat doesn't get too upset with me for detailing their secret marketing and technical plans *wink* ....

Top ten features that RedHat 2000 will adopt to catch up with Windows 2000:

9) CD auto-run install that simply destroys Windows by installing Linux over the top when user selects a friendly looking button that says: "I want to learn more about RedHat 2000".

8) Registration "Blizzard" ask for detailed marketing and user information, all the while scanning for products loaded on the hard drive. Every time the user connects to the Internet, RedHat 2000 secretly sends this data back to a database in Raleigh, N.C. Ralph Nader is likely to write CEO Bob Young with concerns, but Bob's gonna blow them off saying that the data is needed to better support his customers, and RedHat wouldn't dream of using the data for marketing!

7) /etc no longer a directory. Instead, it will be a hidden file system that is only available through a program called "EtcEdit64". EtcEdit64 use won't be recommended by RedHat. Still, it will be required on a daily basis to fix a multitude of problems.

6) All existing software will have to be re-written to use the new proprietary etc system calls.

5) Only Intel i386 hardware supported. The spin: "It will help us speed development!"

4) Exclusive graphic mode system boot-up. Without a valid graphics adaptor and mouse, the system will be unusable.

3) 128 megabyte RAM and Pentium III required for minimal system. Why? 3 Words: init in Python.

2) Proprietary source code. The system will be billed as Open, but the source code will obviously not be available and buggy as all sin. Pushed to release the source code by some developers in the community, CEO Bob Young will just get angry and say "What the @!#^$@ do you know!?!"

1) New, expanded product line. Newer distribution will be split into 18 different products, each one available at a different price and installing various combinations of Samba, Apache, NIS, KDE, GNOME and sendmail. Older distribution will be still be available and called "RedHat 2000 Classic".

And the number 0 feature that RedHat 2000 will adopt?

0) Extreme instability billed as: "50% more stable than Microsoft Windows NT 4!"

Disclaimers:

0) Paul Ferris uses RedHat, both at home and at work, because he likes it. Yes, he's used Debian, Slack, Suse and some others too, so lay off!

1) None of the above is true, meant to be true, or even hinted at as being true. Technical inaccuracies will be output to /dev/null

2) The tone and unfairness of this "feature set" may piss off some people at RedHat's secret PR agency, "Wagon-Wheel EggStorm". Paul says, "That's just too darn bad."

Linux Advocate Of The Year

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 25, 1999

Linn Icks of Des Moines, Iowa is the recipient of the First Annual Humorix "Linux Advocate Of The Year" Award. Mr. Icks was given a throphy (purchased for $1 at a yard sale) and a $10 gift certificate for El Cheapo*Bytes at a small ceremony held yesterday at Humorix World Headquarters. The date, August 24th, was the anniversary of the dreaded day when Windows 95 was officially released, which seems appropriate for a Linux advocacy award.

This prestigious award is given to the one Linux advocate who has gone above and beyond the call of duty as an outspoken Linux zealot and crusader in the Holy War Against Windows. Our panel of judges selected Mr. Icks out the pool of candidate based on his many qualifications and achievements, which include:

• His birth name was Albert Hicks, which he had legally changed in 1997 to show his devotion to the Linux operating system.

• He has been banned from all Barnes & Noble meatspace bookstores after he was caught placing a hidden camera in the Computer section. "I wanted to hide a video camera that would give me a 24 hour live feed of the Operating Systems shelfs," he explained. "With the live feed I hoped to maintain an accurate record of how many Linux/Unix books were fondled and purchased in comparison to Windows 9x/NT books."

  "Unfortunately," he continued, "Murphy's Law was against me. I hid the camera inside the book 'Microsoft Bob SuperBible', a tome I figured nobody would ever touch. Apparently I was wrong, because somebody spotted the spy camera and within days investigators had traced it back to me using fingerprints they had found. I, and my children, and their children for five generations, are now banned for life."

• He petitioned Des Moines to rename a street to "Linus Torvalds Ave." Unfortunately, City Hall thought he was referring to a copyrighted Peanuts character and so the street was named "Charles Schultz Drive".

• He has posted 1,204 articles to comp.os.linux.advocacy and other flame-war-enriched newsgroups. He once wrote a 159KB posting in reponse to a troll, which has led many other Linux longhairs to agree that he "needs to get a life".

• He built an addition to his house to hold the 1,500 Tux Penguin stuffed toys he owns. Instead of wallpaper, his walls are lined with printouts of the Linux 2.0.36 kernel. Over his fireplace is a large photo of him standing next to Linus Torvalds at a Linux expo, an encounter that nearly caused him to faint.

• He cracked into the computer network at a neighborhood bank and re-programmed the marquee to flash the latest Slashdot headlines instead of the time and temperature.

• He tried to hold a "Box Burning" rally in the style of old-fashioned book burnings. Boxes, disks, and manuals for proprietary software -- the "materials of blasphemy" as Mr. Icks called them -- was supposed to be torched in a huge bonfire. However, the event was canceled due to lack of interest (nobody showed up).

• He holds Slashdot user account Number 2 (we assume that Taco Boy holds the Numero Uno account).

• An estimated four trees have been cut down to provide the paper and envolopes he has used to write letters to his elected representatives demanding that Iowa migrate its computers to Linux. He has sent so many letters that the slang term "Icks Hick" has been coined by the US Postal Service in Iowa to describe any wacko that sends a bunch of mail to the same address.

• After much arm-twisting he finally convinced the local telco monopoly to give him the 1-877-42-LINUX phone number. He owns a billboard on Interstate 80 that says simply, "Got Linux?" along with his phone number.

• He's successfully advocated Linux to at least two telemarketers. When he receives an unsolicited phone call, he replies, "No, I'm not interested. But while you're on the line, could I interest you in a computer operating system that's available for FREE? It's called Linux and it's far better than the crappy product you're trying to sell. Visit the linux.com website for full details about this revolutionary, multi-tasking, multi-user, buzzword-compliant, Open Source, paradigm-enhanced operating system!"

Is Linux Good For Your Health?

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 22, 1999

Another month, another round of conflicting medical studies published. Research firms and medical schools are frantically grasping at straws, trying to show that the grant money they received this year is going to good use. In this month's issue of the Pedantic Medical Studies Gazette, two studies about the health impacts of Linux on its users were published.

The first study, conducted by the Chicago Sub-Basement Medical School, suggests that Linux users are less healthy than other OS users. The study demonstrates a connection between prolonged Linux use and a higher rate of stress and illness. However, the research firm of Studies 'R Us Labs, Inc. of Chattafoocheeble, Georgia disputes the Chicago study. "I'd rather have a ton of manuer than a copy of that study," said one Studies 'R Us lab assistant. "At least maneur has some value."

Bob McDermott, the author of the Chicago study, said at a press conference, "Linux causes stress. Its lack of support, low number of applications, lack of a consistent GUI, and difficult install procedure makes it much more stressful to use. As proven in our study of 9 Linux users over a three week span, this stress causes a general decline in life expectancy. I strongly suggest that Linux fall under strict government regulations. It's just that bad, folks."

Studies 'R Us Labs immediately held their own press conference to dispute McDermott's study. Eric Jones, chief Studies 'R Us researcher, told the press, "That Chicago study has no basis in scientific fact whatsoever. We suspect their 'study' is a hoax designed to gain funding. We would also like to point out, for the record, that the 'prestigious' Chicago Sub-Basement Medical School is the same organization that has claimed that asbestos, lead, and radon are not harmful in any way. They are obviously lackeys for large corporations such as Allied Asbestos Associates, Inc. and Microsoft."

Eric Jones then presented both reporters in attendance at the press conference (myself and a cub reporter for the "Hoosier County Standard-Democrat- Picayune-Journal-Gazette") a copy of Studies 'R Us Labs' own study about the health benefits of Linux. In this study, 815 Linux, Windows, and Macintosh users were observed for a period of two years. While the results are a bit sketchy, they seem to indicate that the stress level for the Windows users was far higher than that for the other two groups. Eric Jones commented, "Windows, with its frequent crashes, Registry corruptions, inconsistent interface, and need for periodic re-installing, has a negative impact on the health of its users. I strongly suggest that Windows fall under strict government regulations. It's just that bad, folks."

How Did You Spend Your Red Hat Windfall?

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 19, 1999

RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- Some analysts are predicting a major economic boom spurred in part by the massive amount of wealth generated by the Red Hat IPO. "Linux hackers who were lucky enough to participate in the IPO are now spending money like crazy," wrote one Business Week columnist. "This is a Good Thing(tm)."

Unfortunately, we here at Humorix did not receive "The Letter", so we don't have any first-hand knowledge of this nerd spending phenomenon. We did, however, manage to contact several lucky IPOers who cashed in on Red Hat and are now living on Easy Street. Here's what they had to say:

Kernel Hacker: I made about US$4,000. I figured with this amount I could afford to buy a shrinkwrapped copy of Red Hat 6.0. When I called to place an order. The operator said, "Wait a minute. You're on the list of people who received The Letter. You didn't flip the IPO, did you?" I hesitated and said "yes", to which she rebuked, "It's because of avaricious people like you that Red Hat's stock has been falling this week. Bad hacker, no biscuit" and then hung up.

Dothead: I'm holding on to my stock, actually. Receiving the Special Invitation and owning a piece of Red Hat is a nice bragging right that I hope will impress women. I've signed up for a Geek Dating Service; maybe I'll get lucky...

Rob "Taco Boy" Malda: I plan to use my share to buy a UPS for the Slashdot webserver. Next time the power goes out I won't have to fend off 10,000 angry emails from Slashdot addicts suffering withdrawl symptoms. Oh, and I might have enough left over to buy Hemos a dictionary.

Bob Young: I don't know how I'm going to spend my newly acquired fortune. I may buy a plot of land in Silicon Valley and establish a Geek Homeless Shelter for those geeks with meager six-digit incomes who can't afford housing or rent. Oh, and I might hire a hitman to throw pies at Bill Gates. That last sentence is strictly off the record, right?

Linus Torvalds: The pittance I made from Red Hat will pale in comparison to the vast fortune created when Transmeta achieves World Domination next year. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to talk about that...

Mark Ewing: Can you say "Beowulf Cluster?"

Linux User Group President: They'll be free beer for everyone at the next LUG meeting! (Oh, we'll also have free speech, too.)

Linux Hacker: I just bought a new car. For the first time in my life I own a vehicle that's worth more than my computer.

Tux Penguin: With all the money I've made I can buy a lifetime supply of herring.

Unix is a Myth in Kansas

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 18, 1999

TOPEKA, KS -- Evolution has been replaced with the Dancing Paper Clip courtesy of the Kansas Board of Education. Kansas schools are no longer required to teach Evilution, but they are required to teach students how to use Microsoft products.

Starting in 2001, all high school seniors must pass a so-called "computer literacy" test. Unfortunately, to the Board of Education, "computer literacy" is synonymous with "knowing how to use Windows and Office". Linux, Unix, BeOS, OS/2, even Macintoshes are a myth in Kansas.

Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a working draft of the test that will be administered. From what we can tell, some of the questions seem to be lifted verbatim from the exam Microsoft gives to prospective MSCEs.

COMPUTER LITERACY EXAM, version 0.56 Kansas Board of Education

• PowerPoint's AutoContent Wizard(tm) ________.
  1. Makes creating slide presentations easy.
  2. Makes creating slide presentations fun.
  3. Is an example of innovative software design.
  4. Is a good reason to upgrade from earlier versions.

• Installing an OEM version of Windows 95® on a different computer from which it was originally installed __________.
  1. Is a criminal act.
  2. Is immoral.
  3. Is even more wrong and despicable than believing in Evolution.
  4. Deprives Bill Gates of valuable income he needs to feed his family.

• Which of the following is an example of an operating system?
  1. Microsoft Windows 98 Second Edition.
  2. Microsoft Outlook.
  3. Microsoft Internet Explorer.
  4. Microsoft Excel.
  5. None of the above.

  [Editor's Note: According to the Board, the correct answer is 'Windows 98 Second Edition', even though 'None of the above' seems to make much more sense.]

• Imagine that you are the superintendent of a small school. You want to add Creationism to the cirriculum, but thanks to the US Supreme Court of Liberals, you can't. Which of the following software applications would you use to write a letter to your Congressman demanding that a law abolishing "Separation of Church and State" be enacted?
  1. Microsoft Windows 98 Solitaire.
  2. Microsoft Word.
  3. Microsoft Windows 98 Notepad.
  4. Microsoft Flight Simulator.
  5. Microsoft Internet Information Serfer. [sic]

• (Calculators permitted) If Bill Gates holds 1 billion shares of MSFT stock valued at $100 per share, how many times can he drive the entire length of the Kansas Turnpike?
  1. He could buy the Kansas Turnpike Authority and still have enough money leftover to pay for a billion gallons of gasoline.
  2. None, he'd just hire a construction firm to build a personal "Bill Gates Freeway" across Kansas (or the whole continent, for that matter).
  3. None, why would Bill ever come to Kansas?

• The Internet _________.
  1. Was invented by Bill Gates.
  2. Allows computer users to easily download the latest upgrades and patches from Microsoft from anywhere in the world.
  3. Is entirely run on Windows NT computers.
  4. Is the source of all of society's problems.

• (True/False) Changing a setting in the Control Panel voids the Windows 98® warranty.

• (True/False) All Microsoft software produced after 1999 is Y2K-compliant.

• Crashes are the direct result of _________.
  1. User incompetence.
  2. Shoddily written software from vendors other than Microsoft.
  3. Cosmic rays.

• (Fill In the Blank) ___________ and ____________ are two differences between Windows 2000 DataCenter Server and Windows 2000 Advanced Server.

• (Essay) Imagine if Bill Gates were never born. Without innovation spurred by Microsoft, the computer industry today would be a wasteland of 8 bit machines and hippie college freaks sharing software source code. In one paragraph, provide four examples of how a world without Microsoft would be different than today's world.

• (Essay) Describe the steps necessary to fully upgrade Windows 3.1 to Windows 98 using an upgrade CD-ROM. Attached are twenty blank pages to write your response.

Alas, the Vast Spy Network(tm) was unable to procure a copy of the recommended textbook, "Computer Literacy for Dummies", produced by Microsoft Press. According to one anonymous source this book contains such chapters as "Getting to know the Start Menu", "Windows Explorer: It's not that bad once you get used to it", "101 uses for the My Computer icon", and "Surfing the Microsoft Network with Internet Explorer".

So far, the new "computer literacy" requirements have received little attention due to the uproar over the anti-Evilution debacle. Some high school students are worried, but most parents are not. One high school junior told Humorix, "I've had two patches included in the Linux kernel. I maintain three mini-HOWTOs. I visit Slashdot every hour. And yet, because I haven't touched a Windows box in over four years, I may not be able to graduate from high school. I just hope I can get a GED and maybe Wal-Mart or Burger King will hire me."

Most parents we spoke to applaud the new requirements. "Anything we can do to put our kids on the 21st Century Information Superhighway is a good thing," one parent said. When confronted about the fact that the computer literacy program has a Microsoft-centric bias, she responded, "So what? Microsoft is the computer industry. Besides, everybody uses Windows anyways. The only other operating system out there is Macintosh, and only fruit-loving freaks on the Left Coast use that..."

How NOT To Advertise Linux Products

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 12, 1999

Public relations firms don't really understand the Linux culture. This seems to be the lesson learned yesterday evening when an angry horde of Linux hackers protested in front of the offices of a public relations firm in California. The PR firm recently issued a press release that contained numerous examples of MS-HTML that incited the Linux protestors.

The situation is calm now, but was quite chaotic during the height of the protest. About three dozen Linuxers marched in front of the offices holding picket signs and shouting protest slogans. A few others who could not attent participated by bombarding the PR firm with flame emails and harsh phone calls. The event ended two hours after it began when the protestors abruptly realized that they were at the wrong PR firm.

Afterwards, one of the angry Linux longhairs told Humorix, "PR firms that produce press releases containing MS-HTML must be stopped. Such things can not be tolerated!" When this Humorix reporter asked what the heck he was talking about, he explained, "The LinuxPR site is full of press releases containing non-standard characters produced with Windows and Word. Apostrophes, quotes, and other punctuation appear as question marks on Linux systems unless the file is fed through the Demoroniser. These assaults against the ASCII and Unicode standards can not be tolerated."

One anonymous source forwarded us a copy of the protest slogans that were shouted at the march:

Those who falsely support Tux,
Are those we think who really sucks!

Take this lesson from Jon Katz:
With Microsoft you will go splats!

The Linux Documentation Project is starting work on a When-In-Rome mini-HOWTO that describes how Linux press releases, websites, and other promotional materials should be created. Some of the tips include "don't use .htm, .asp, .exe, or .dll extensions for webpages or CGI programs" and "don't proudly proclaim that your page is created with FrontPage".

I Want My Beowulf Cluster!

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 11, 1999

ACTON, MA -- The Andover Network, which now holds a monopoly on "News for Nerds", is reeling after a dispute over the company's recent Andover Points(tm) promotion. Ava Rice has filed a lawsuit claiming that Andover owes her a "1000 node Beowulf cluster" in exchange for the 10 million Andover Points she collected.

In the promotion, Andover advertised prizes for customers who collected a certain number of points. Some prizes included an Andover T-shirt (100 points), a printed "Andover Acquires Slashdot" press release autographed by Rob Malda (1000 points), and the right to publish one article on Slashdot (25000 points). Also advertised was a "1000 node Beowulf cluster" for 10 million points; it was supposed to be a "gag prize" that any reasonable person would take as a joke. Ava Rice isn't a reasonable person and she certainly didn't see the humor.

During the promotion, every webpage in the Andover Network contained a small "Proof of Download" .gif image with a serial number that could be printed out and redeemed for one (1) Andover Point. Signing up for an Andover mailing list netted ten (10) points, posting a comment to an article yielded three (3) points, and so forth.

Ms. Rice managed to collect 10,252,959 Andover Points during the two month span of the promotion. "I set up a distributed computing project with 16 friends called Andover@Home," she explained. "Using the client software I developed, each participating computer would download Andover pages throughout the day and print out the Proof of Download images. The scheme was a complete success: after two months we collected 2.3 tons of printouts that we sent in to Andover Headquarters for redemption. We've held up our part of the bargain; now Andover owes us a supercomputer!"

Legal observers have mixed feelings about Ava Rice's lawsuit. Noah Morals, the lawyer Humorix has on retainer, said, "It's good to see stuff like this. The fact that a group of geeks with obviously no life can file a lawsuit like this shows that the American legal system is the best on Earth! I would offer my services for free, but apparently Rice & Co. have already received free help from dozens of other attorneys."

Mark Gruber, a lawyer for a sweepstakes company, is not so enthusiastic. "This is absurd. Any reasonable person knows that companies make use of false advertising all the time. Anybody who thinks otherwise is stupid. American businesses have a right to run misleading advertisements and rigged promotions. It's in the First Amendment!"

A third attorney we interviewed, Bob Hutz, said, "Even if Andover does lose in court, they can still come out ahead. Their ads never specified what a '1000 node Beowulf cluster' actually is. Maybe it's a (wink, wink) bookshelf containing 1000 copies of the Beowulf legend. Maybe it's a (nudge, nudge) computer network composed of ancient 8088 machines with a total market value of about $100..."

A preliminary hearing for Ava Rice's case is slated for next month. Andover's legal department and the American Bar Association were both unavailable for comment.

In a related story, Andover has released a Perl script that automatically generates "Andover Acquires..." press releases. Eric Revodna, a programmer at Andover, explained, "This program, acquisition.pl, simplifies our work by automagically producing press releases for each and every of Andover's acquisitions. We expect to use this script heavily in the future and therefore have decided to release it under the Andover Public License to allow others to use and enhance it."

The public version of acquisition.pl accepts several parameters and then cranks out a suitable press release. Of particular interest is the -bs command line switch that allows the user to tailor the hype/bullshit level of the press release to the desired amount.

For instance, with a -bs level of 10, the script produces a press release with the title "Andover.Net is Now the Largest Linux Network and the Leading Source for Content, News and Community". But when -bs is set to the lowest value of 0, acquisition.pl spits out this headline: "Andover (All Nerds Depend On Very Erroneous Reporting) Establishes Monopoly And Choke-Hold on Linux Content After Following Microsoft-Like Tactic of Spending Megabucks Acquiring Sites Built By Others".

Further information about the acquisition.pl script is available at Freshmeat. Webmasters of the 1,245 self-proclaimed "Linux portals" that have not been acquired by Andover (yet) were all unavailable for comment.

Microsoft Windows for Linux Released

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on August 11, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- Following months of speculation and paranoia in the Linux community, Microsoft has confirmed everyone's fears by announcing the imminent release of Microsoft Windows 98 for Linux (MSW4L). The new product is not a Windows emulator for Linux; instead, it features a set of kernel patches and userspace programs that make Linux more like Windows. Or, as one Microsoft representative said, "more user-friendly".

The kernel patches mostly modify the Oops (kernel panic) code. With MSW4L, kernel errors will be displayed in a white-on-blue character cell screen. One kernel patch randomly adds the line strcpy(NULL, "Microsoft wins!"); throughout the kernel, causing random bluescreens.

The userspace programs replace commonly used utilities. For example, here's a screenshot of the MSW4L rm command (also called DEL and ERASE):

[root@testbox root]# rm testfile~

Error: File testfile~ not found.
[root@testbox root]#

Microsoft Windows 98 for Linux can be purchased at your favorite computer store for only $499.99. A "Plus!" version with printed documentation and the Microsoft Solitaire for Linux game is available for $599.99.

If you experience any problems with MSW4L, you can call Microsoft at 1-900-BIL-RULZ for only $50.00 per minute (registered users of more than 3 Microsoft products call 1-900-LNX-SUXX for only $49.99 per minute; make sure you have all registration numbers handy. Checking them usually takes 30 minutes) to listen to a tape saying "Have you tried doing it again? Have you tried rebooting? Have you tried turning the computer off and on? It must be a problem in your basic Linux system then, it works here. Complain to those guys who don't understand capitalism."

DISCLAIMER: Microsoft, Windows, the Blue Screen of Death, Bugs, Malfunctions, Missing Features and Bad Support are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corp. "for" is a trademark of Microsoft Corp. Linux will be a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. as soon as the government accepts the bribes.

Barry Acquires All Red Hat Shares

Fake News written by Dave Finton on August 11, 1999

Barry from Arizona received a rather pleasant surprise yesterday morning: a special invitation email from Red Hat. Due to an ISP mixup caused by a Windows NT server error, Barry received an email destined for a long-time kernel hacker. Barry, not knowing any better, put some money into E*Trade and applied for the IPO online. Since Barry was the only person who applied for Red Hat's upcoming IPO stock and passed the eligibility requirements, he acquired the right to purchase all of Red Hat's stock.

"I just lied about my income and stuff," said Barry. "I've been in the popcorn industry for 3 weeks working in a movie theatre, so I thought 'kernel hacker' meant something like 'theatre cashier'. I got all of it, I suppose, for about $2000.

Bob Young, CEO of Red Hat, wryly commented, "This is going to suck."

Barry already has plans for his upcoming role as Cinema Overlord. "As Overlord and as controller of Red Hat Future Planning, I will ensure that all movie theatres shall run The Mighty Linux and that the popcorn comes with real butter, not that syrupy crap that tastes like liquid garlic!" proclaimed the victorious Barry. Barry wore a golden crown and surrounded himself with incense, large fluffy pillows, and slaves indentured for seven generations to provide their services.

One Red Hat programmer commented, "This Barry guy came by and told us that we'd better start selling these overpriced candy bars up to quota this month or we'd have to get used to life as a Eunich! One of our guys kept eating them all, though. Now he just spends his time there standing like a statue waving a large feather fan in Barry's general direction at all times. Man, I've never seen that guy so buff! And that singing voice!"

Rasterman was last seen heading for the airport muttering "I'm going back. The dingos down in Austrailia aren't half as nutty as these crazy Yanks." Paul Hogan was unavailable for comment.

RHAT opened at ³/₁₀ of a cent during the IPO and closed at ⁵/₁₀ of a cent. Barry ran around yelling, "I got $1500 dollars! Woohoo!" Bob Young and Mark Ewing shook their heads in wonderment and awe, weeping tears of joy at their new leader's vision.

In related news, Microsoft released a press statement today suggesting that Windows 2000 will come with a "large" bag of popcorn with every license for only $399.99 a seat. Couples or friends sharing the same bag of popcorn will need to pay for two or more licenses according to the license agreement. Movie theatres must also pay for a Microsoft Popcorn license for every seat in the movies theatre, regardless if whether anyone is actually sitting there or not.

"This is the type of conversion that I've been predicting for years", said Jesse Berst. "I've always said that the movie theatre popcorn industry would go head-to-head with the Linux industry. It's a natural match!"

Humorix Stock Collapses

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 9, 1999

After a series of unfortunate events and just plain old bad luck, Humorix stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) has crashed to the sub-basement level of 1 ¹/₈. Wall Street analysts are predicting that Humorix will drop even further; several brokerages have downgraded the stock from "STRONG BUY" to "WE GUARANTEE YOU'LL LOSE MONEY ON THIS STOCK".

The stock bloodbath comes on the heels of last Wednesday's astounding record high of 129 ⁵/₈. Investors entered a feeding frenzy when Humorix announced that the archive of old fake news articles would be slowly phased out to make room for more hype, more hyperbole, and more advertising. One columnist wrote in the Wall Street Journal, "Humorix's plans to 'portalize' its website and remove unnecessary content that nobody reads anyways is a stroke of genius. Humorix can't possibly fail with that kind of brilliant planning."

While investors were enthusiastic about Humorix's plans, all three loyal readers certainly weren't. Flame email came pouring in all week. One enraged flamer wrote, "The only reason I visit Humorix is for the fake news articles. Without them, all you have is portal crap and promotional garbage."

Another loyal reader said, "Humorix sucks. Ever since the IPO announcement the site has gone downhill. Where's the Linux humor? All you ever publish are stories about Humorix's IPO, lame Microsoft bashing pieces, and idiotic Slashdot articles... And your writing style sucks, too. Every article contains ficticious comments from people that add nothing. Every article contains weak attempts at meta-humor. Every article contains some unnecessary jab at Microsoft. In short, Humorix sucks! I won't be coming back."

The threat of a 100% decline in visitors prompted Humorix to abandon the plan. The flame mail from readers ceased, but then thousands of investors started sending flame mail. "Humorix is no longer a portal now, huh? If I wanted to invest money in a company that has a wishy-washy business strategy that changes every day, I would've invested in Microsoft!" one former Humorix investor wrote. Another said, "Historically, websites that have actual content never fare well on the stock market. Repositioning Humorix as a Linux humor website instead of a Linux portal website is a foolish move. Humorix can't possibly succeed."

That investor was right. The next day, Friday, Humorix dropped 26% as people started to flee the sinking ship. Over the weekend, severe storms caused router malfunctions that left the Humorix website offline for 10 hours. Then the IRS accused Humorix of violating some obscure section of the tax code and announced that an audit would be conducted next month.

Adding insult to injury, MSNBC reported erroneously that applying ROT13 to the source code of the Humorix homepage revealed several Satanic messages. While the story was later retracted, the damage had already been done: during the first hour of trading on Monday the stock plummeted to 1 ¹/₈ and remained there all day.

The abrupt collapse of the stock has led Humorix employees to reconsider their retirement plans. Jon Splatz jumped out of a tenth story window after hearing about the crash. "First I was rejected by E*Trade for the Red Hat IPO, and now my millions of dollars worth of Humorix stock options have evaporated! I can't take it anymore..." Splatz yelled as he jumped. He landed safely on a ledge located just two feet below the window.

James Baughn said, "It looks like I'll have to get a day job now."

Instant Messenger War

Fake News written by Dave Finton on August 9, 1999

SILICON VALLEY -- War broke out yesterday between Microsoft and AOL as the dispute over instant messaging protocols turned violent. What was once America's most economically prosperous region became ground zero in a war that reporters have already dubbed "The War Between the Monopolies". The streets of the embattled region are covered with broken computer monitors, scorched AOL and Windows 98 CD's, and propaganda leaflets air-dropped by the two warring software companies.

The Microsoft leaflets proudly proclaim, "This war between AOL and ourselves will have no bearing whatsoever on how we do business. Our software is the best in the world, and we will crush the armies of Steve Case and demoralize their citizenry! We shall prevail!" Simarly, AOL's leaflets responded "Buy our online internet access for only $21.95 a month and you can win the chance to carry Bill Gates' head on a pole through Microsoft Headquarters when we annihilate their mindless troops into oblivion!" Scattered throughout the leaflets were advertisements saying "FREE XXX PORN HOT SEX PEANUT BUTTER FARM ANIMALS ONLY $80 DOLLARS A WEEK!" and "GET RICH QUICK BY PURCHACING OUR GUIDE TO FAME AND FORTUNE! GET OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD AND ORDER TODAY!"

[Editor's Note: Several Humorix staffers have placed bets on whether the above paragraph will prompt the Australian Censorship Police to ban Humorix. The winner(s) will receive a set of old 386SX computers that James Baughn found in a dumpster last week.]

Friend fought against friend, brother fought against brother, and computer geeks slapped each other limp-wristedly screaming "Ow! Stop it! That hurts! Ow! I'm telling!"

President Hillary Clinton released a press statement that said, "In order to mediate the dispute between the world's most powerful internet providers, we've called in the UN to help resolve the difference." A UN guy who said he was a general's secratary or something replied, "I ain't touching that with a 10-foot pole! I've been in Sarejavo. I've been in Beirut. But you are not getting me to go to that hell on earth! The property taxes alone are horrendous!"

Without any UN intervention, the war looks as though it will only get worse. Casulties have already reached the 100 Terabyte range, and are likely to go into the petabytes as reporters and computer jockeys everywhere scramble desperately to look up the definition of the word "petabyte".

Microsoft, in a boastful move that has backfired on them, dared the internet community to successfully attack an army of marketing drones standing wide open in the middle of an empty field. The Microserfs were donned with the latest in high-tech armor running the latest Beta of Windows 2000. However, no one got the chance to even rally up their troops, as the suits of armor crashed and promptly exploded, taking out the state of Wyoming with them. Other than the marketing drones, no casulties were reported. Microsoft officials attributed the crash to a lightning storm, although observers noted that there was blue sky as far as the eye could see that day. Alert TV viewers, however, noted that the man reporting on the weather that day did happen to be a Mindcraft employee. Microsoft stated that this fact was simply a "coincidence".

As the Instant Messenger War progresses, we expect that things will get truly hairy, as thousands of AOL and Internet Explorer coffee cup coasters are distributed worldwide to gain sympathy and mindshare among the population at large. Who knows how far this battle will go?